A blog of my feelings…ranging from commenting about other's blogs to commenting about stuff which happens in life and from posting mails which I like, to ranting on stuff.

In continuance of my previous post "Relationships", I got a huge comment from a friend of mine (Sudheer) which I did not publish coz I wanted the same to come as a blogpost. So, here goes. First the comment and then, my views on the same:

Hey suksi,

Liked ur interpretation on relationships and memories and the corresponding pain that follows as a natural corollary…

I feel that it is in our very basic desires that make us choose people as either our friends or hubby’s

let me explain:

If " I " as a person likes biking " I " will go in search of people who do biking and try to build a relation so that " I "can get some one to understand ‘my’ thoughts or try find one who becomes a medium of expression for " Me ", a thought which gives " Me " pleasure and not that the other person likes biking or birding.

It is here where " expectations" start building up – like " I " would have a particular way of shifting gears and once someone becomes a friend " I " would start "expecting " that he shift gears like " I " do or that ‘my’ line of thought should more or less become his thinking.

If this does not happen or if he starts to put his interpretation to a particular event in his way.. " I " get hurt or " I "start disliking him.. not because he said what he felt but because he did not say what " I " was feeling.

We always try to host an image of ourselves in different people and like only those who cater to such " self hosting ".
which brings us to the ultimate truth of

" We love no one but ourselves "

Just because " I " see what " I " want what " I " like what keeps ‘me’ happy in many people in bits and pieces " I " imagine to have a relationship.

And when such relationships break.. We get hurt.. It pains.. and we feel sorry not because we lost a friend but because we lost a " host " to our feelings/wants/desires…

This becomes more aggravated when one looses a girlfriend.. not because that we will no longer see her smile or listen to her talks etc… but because no longer " I " will be able to kiss her, " I " could f*** her, " I " will be able to fondle her t***, " I " will get a consoling talk and " I " " I " " I " " I " " I " …… goes on an on and on…

What do you say…

Well, here’s what I say my dear friend..

First of all, thank you for taking the time off to read my blog in your busy schedule and give such a huge and wonderful comment on the same.

Next, I’d say that you are a bit confused as to where friendship ends, where love ends and where lust happens. Also, not all relationships of a boy/girl friend would be related to sex or making love or having lusty thoughts in their minds.

I have a few female friends of mine whom I address as "honey", "sweetheart" and "darling".. that does not mean whatsoever that I am in love with them or they are in love with me, or that I have lusty thoughts in my mind about them. I also know a lot of boy/girls who are boy/girl friends of various other people and they got physically intimate only after a couple of years into the relationship. I also know a few people who have only lust in their minds and would never enter a relationship unless they are forced to do so!

And I do not understand the use of * there in the comment.. why could you not mention the words as they are used normally?? Are you thinking what people might feel if they came to know that you had given such comments??? I’m sure, you would not say w***r for water or w**e for wine right???

Yeah, it is true… Everyone lives as per their own whims and fancies.. and everyone loves to have their own reasons for either being in a relationship or being out of one. A few people get into a relationship for fun, a few others get into one without knowing what they are doing, a few others are pretty serious abt their relationships, a few more are in a relationship coz someone has forced them to be in, a few others will get to know that they are in a relationship only when it is too late for them to come out of it, and they refrain from coming out of the same coz they have a constant fear towards CHANGE!

Again, this "I" is nothing but the EGO that speaks. How many people do you think would agree that they have an EGO which controls them? If you know any, tell them that they are EGOISTIC and SELFISH, they would retaliate mentioning that they do not have EGO.  WTF do people consider EGO as bad?? I have no idea whatsoever.

I agree that I am EGOISTIC and in fact, that is the headline of my orkut profile too. I’d say that if I don’t know how to love myself, I will never be able to love others or hate others or even hate myself for my shortcomings.

Again, the most important aspect in any human interactions is TRUST! If two people have TRUST in each other about each other, it is better than being in any kind of relationship.

The title of this post seems to suggest that regional cinema and quality are two different things… so, lemme first clarify the same.

NOTE: I am talking only about Kannada Cinema.

There are quite a few films in recent times in Kannada that can be termed as "Quality Entertainment". Most of the other films can be termed as pathetic.

Is it because we do not have good storywriters? Or is it because we do not bother about the social message that the film should portray? I’d rather think it is more because of the latter.

If we lacked good storywriters, we would not have had even a single quality movie in Kannada. We do have many quality films. We did have wonderful movies in the past and I hope we will continue to have movies that provide wholesome family entertainment.

"OM" was one of the first Kannada films to portray violence in a mass scale, but it did have a wonderful social message that violence would not lead you anywhere and also that taking revenge for something on someone will hamper someone else’s life.

Unfortunately, not many have realized the social message in this movie. OM triggered off a lot of violent movies, all with either violent or tragic endings and the movies glorified violence. A few months back, I was unable to see any movie trailer without violence or without the use of a "lang" or a "macchu" or a "cycle chain" or some "nin akkan/amman" terms. "Dialogue King" Saikumar started the trend of vulgar / slang abuses in movies which continued with Thriller Manju and then, we started to have movie names like "Mental Manja, Duniya, Kariya, Jogi, Underworld, Gooli etc" which were portraying the anti-social elements as heroes in the movie.

Though these movies, probably, tried to bring out the message that violence will not do any good to you, just the thought of:

• Having an entire movie which would be broadcast to the entire film watching people in Karnataka about a particular rowdy or
• Roping in a few original rowdies to act in the movie and thereby, giving the opportunity for a rowdy to become a movie star
• Glorifying a rowdy after his death by having a movie about his life

increased the number of potential rowdies in the city.

No wonder, a seemingly romantic movie like Mungaaru Male got such rare reviews. Personally, I feel that Mungaaru Male did not have a good story, but it was okayish for time pass. That increased the number of movies being filmed in Karnataka’s scenic locations and the importance of music and lyrics in a movie.

There is a saying which says that all sheep will follow each other and will fall into the same ditch. Similarly, once Mungaaru Male became such a good hit, the number of similar films, the rating for the GOLDEN STAR, the hype of getting Hindi Mainstream singers like Sonu Nigam or Kunal Ganjawala or Kumar Sanu or Shreya Goshal or Sunidhi Chauhan to sing for Kannada movies increased by leaps and bounds.

Namma Bengaluru was portrayed by these violent movies to the movie goers in different parts of Karnataka to be:

• Violent
• 24/7 active
• Supportive to people of different places
• Careless for any suffering

which was kind of good as it reduced the number of immigrants in one sense, but which was untrue to a great sense.

We did have wonderful film makers like Puttana Kanagal who gave a wonderful social message in their movies, Dr. RajKumar who acted so well that the common man was able to put himself in the character’s shoes, wonderful lyrists like K Kalyan and we continue to have good movies and amazing lyrics, but the quantum of such movies which stand out today are very less.

There was also this season of tragic movies which dealt with orphans or "saas-bahu" types or even the "tabbali" series ov movies which wanted to bring some sense to the chauvinistic male to treat his wife/daughter-in-law/daughter as a human being. Then, there was this season of movies which had divine presence, so much so that people used to take fruits and flowers to the theatres to perform puja when the deity is portrayed on screen.

What do these movies contain when compared to Bollywood to say that Sandalwood (the term to Kannada Cinema Industry) is better than Bollywood if you still portray "Langs" or some half-dressed girls who are willing to get raped in any movie coz they are the hero’s sister or the friend of the heroine etc. or even who are singing and dancing on screen without any purpose of their existence in a movie.

Bollywood movies are popular in a sense that:

• There are a lot of Hindi-speaking population these days in any city
• The films are made keeping in mind the changing tastes of youth
• The films are not so cheap imitations of any other regional language movie or from a Hollywood movie
• The actors know to ACT!
• The violence is not glorified and there are a lot of other emotions in the movie which get glorified putting the violence aside.
• The violence is more mature rather than having fist fights / "langs" or chains and the technology portrayed is also good.
• There are many radical directors like Madhur Bhandarkar, Ram Gopal Verma etc who think out of the box.
• The movies are made with a view to satisfy the various moviegoers from people who are aged to children.

No wonder Bollywood movies are eating into the share of regional movies. We need to have more mature and decent movies that do not glorify violence. We should have many more wholesome entertainers. We should have movies with better social messages than Death. We need to have better quality of comedy than having a "Senthil-Gaundamani" style or a few double meaning dialogues. And we should have more original movies than doing cheap and poor remakes of other regional films.

Just my 2 cents.

Some Quotes on Love.. collected from friends, downloaded from the net etc…. on this occasion of valentines day.

"An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception."

"Love is missing someone whenever you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close in heart"

"The power of a glance… It is in this way that love begins, and in this way only… Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark"

"The best proof of love is trust. "

"Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it."

"Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are. "

"We can do no great things; only small things with great love. "

"True love is when your heart and your mind are saying the same thing."

This is a part of a forwarded email that I am posting here…

"A girl in love asked her boyfriend.
Girl: Tell me… who do you love most in this world?
Boy: You, of course!
Girl: In your heart, what am I to you?
Boy: The boy thought for a moment and looked intently in her eyes and  said, "You are my rib. In the Bible, it was said that God saw that Adam was lonely, during his sleep; God took one of Adam’s rib and created  Eve. Every man has been searching for his missing rib, only when you find the woman of your life; you’ll no longer feel the lingering ache in your heart."
After their wedding, the couple had a sweet and happy life for a while. However, the youthful couple began to drift apart due to the busy schedule of life and the never-ending worries of daily problems. Their life became mundane. All the challenges posed by the harsh realities of life began to gnaw away their dreams and love for each other. The couple began to have more quarrels and each quarrel became more heated.
One day, after the quarrel, the girl ran out of the house. At the opposite side of the road, she shouted, "You don’t love me!"
The boy hated her childishness and out of impulse, retorted, "Maybe, it was a mistake for us to be together! You were never my missing rib!"
Suddenly, she turned quiet and stood there for a long while…. He regretted what he said but words spoken are like thrown away water, you can never take it back. With tears, she went home to pack her things and was determined in breaking-up.
Before she left the house, "If I’m really not your missing rib, please let me go….. She continued, "It is less painful this way…let us go on our separate ways and search for our own partners…"
Five years went by…. He never remarried but he had tried to find out about her life indirectly…… She had left the country and back….She had married a foreigner and divorced….. He felt anguished that she never waited for him. In the dark and lonely night, he lit his cigarette and felt the lingering ache in his heart. He couldn’t bring himself to admit that he was missing her.
One day, they finally met…. At the airport, a place where there were many reunions and good-byes…. He was going away on a business trip. She was standing there alone, with just the security door separating them. She smiled at him gently.
Boy: How are you?
Girl: I’m fine. How about you… Have you found your missing rib?
Boy: No.
Girl: I’ll be flying to New York in the next flight.
Boy: I’ll be back in 2 weeks time. Give me a call when you are back…You know my number… Nothing has changed.
With a smile, she turned around and waved good-bye. "Good-bye." One week later, he heard of her death. She had perished in New York. In the event that shocked the world.. Midnight….. Once again, he lit his cigarette….. And like before, he felt the lingering ache in his heart….He finally knew, she was the missing rib that he had carelessly broken.
Sometimes, people say things out of moments of fury….. Most often than not, the outcome could be disastrous and detrimental…. We vent our frustrations 99% at our loved ones…. And even though we know that we ought to "think twice and act wisely", it’s often easier said than done. Things happen each day, many of which are beyond our control. Let us treasure every moment and everyone in our lives.
Tomorrow may never come; give and accept what you have today."

One more forwarded email:

"Take sometime to read this, you will understand what is love…
Sometimes we are blind to see the goodness of our spouses and deaf to hear their kind words for us. A nice story to share……
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him?
And finally he asked me:" What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : "Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"
He said:" I will give you your answer tomorrow…." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes….
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.." This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading….. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love travelling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your Tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face…
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die.."
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading…
"Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favourite bread and fresh milk…
I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread…. Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone… That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the dullest and boring form… Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments…"

And yet another forwarded email on Love:

"It was the day of my son’s XII results  Soon we realized that he stood first in the state. Oh, my joy knew no bounds .
I wanted to call my "wrong-number-friend to tell him the news……I was so excited.
He was someone whom I have known for more than 20 years.
I still do not remember when we became friends, but certainly cannot forget  the first day he called me when I blasted him for giving me so many wrong calls…..after that he had called up a week later asking apology, for he had now got the right no of his friend whom he wanted to talk to .We spoke for an hour that day…even without knowing each other’s names.Though he kept pestering me to reveal my name I never did and so he kept a name…Sweety. I used to get so shy whenever he called me ‘Sweety’. I was doing first year of BSc. Maths then, and he was a Computer Engineering student.
From then he used to call me very often . We almost discussed everything ..
By the final year of my college, we probably we were in love, but I had been cautious. I was in a dilemma whether to tell him. But what if he was of a different religion? Do I have the courage to talk to my parents about it?
……..all these questions ran through my mind.
I decided I’ll not talk to him thereafter. When he called next time I lied to him I that I was going to Delhi for my post graduation. He gave me his office number and asked me to ring him up once I reach there.
I never called …….
A couple of months later my marriage got fixed with a guy of my parent’s choice. I was not happy but I did not complain; rather accepted it as an obedient daughter. At times I felt I missed my wrong- number- friend…….
My hubby was a moody person; I have hardly spent any good time with him- but he was genuine indeed and never bothered my personal space. After 2 years we had a boy…Yet,I was not very happy with my married life…One day I happened to browse through my diary and found I still  had my old friend’s  office phone no that he had given me. I dialled it and spoke with him. He said he was married and got a kid too. I was happy for him though in the bottom of the heart I felt bad that I could not marry him.
From then I used to occasionally call him on that number. I never gave him mine as I felt that would put me in trouble…
And till today I almost shared everything with him including my relationship with my hubby…..today I was so happy and I wanted to call him.
Just then I got a call. "Your husband met with an accident and died on the spot"
I banged the phone down. I broke. I did not call my friend…..I somehow started feeling  guilty. I have never tried to talk to him properly when he was alive or moved close with him….
I felt I had been a bad wife……..
A couple of years passed and one day my son brought home a Bengali girl and said they wanted to get married. I got them married as I did not want my son to go through what I did.
I decided to give my son his father’s room and started clearing it. There was a phone book. I gently opened it to find, " Wrong no Sweety -26579785"
God always puts the right numbers together.
Its we who interpret it wrong!!!"

Yet another email:

"Ours was an arranged marriage. It was done the traditional way. Our parents took care of everything. My only condition was that she should be ready to work. Our horoscopes and photos were exchanged. Everything Matched.
I spoke to her over the phone. We talked about things two strangers would talk. She was a lecturer in Bangalore who felt Chemistry was more important than Hindi movies. There was no engagement. The date for marriage was fixed in 2
weeks as I could not get a vacation after that. Even the vacation time I got was just 10 days.
Everything was fixed. It was supposed to be very hectic for me. We got married and 2 days later we had to leave the country. She cried like there was no tomorrow when we left. She would not talk to me on the plane. I thought that was usual for an Indian girl. I thought she would get over
it. Once home she would not talk to me. She sat in a corner staring at the TV. For the first couple of days I had to catch up on some work and did not take her mood seriously.
A week later I sat beside her and asked her, "What is wrong?"
"Why did you bring me here?"
"What do you mean? What happened?"
"I want to go home"
"This is your home"
"No. I want to go home. Please buy me a ticket"
"Look, everybody feels homesick. I did when I! came here the first time. It is normal. You will get over it. Sorry I have been busy with work. We can go out this weekend. You will meet my friends and other people who will be very friendly. Come on be a good girl"
"I hate this place. I miss my family, my friends, my college. All the people I know are not here. I want to go home"
"Think for a minute. Try to reason it out yourself. What is your plan by the way? So you want to go back and never come back?"
"Yes"
"Are you crazy?"
"If you think this is crazy then I am."
"It is ok if you do not answer this question. Is there someone else?"
"No. I want to go home. I will call 911 if you do not send me"
"First cool down. Think about it. Think about our parents. It is less than a month that we got married and now you want to return home. You very well knew that you had to come here. What were you thinking? Even if you are returning home what happens to our marriage?"
"I am not blaming you. I take the blame. It is my mistake. I can’t stay so far away from my family. If you are so interested come to India "
"I am family too! What you are asking is ridiculous."
The next day she would not change her mind. I called my folks. They said that it was my decision and! they would stand by me. I booked her ticket and put it in her hand the next evening. She was to leave in 2 days.Nothing would convince her to change her mind. She was crying like a kid. Then she left.
She had done nothing for me to miss but something inside me was telling me that I was at fault. I tried to shake it off but as time grew I started feeling more guilty. I called her. She made it clear that she did not find me despicable but she would not leave her city. Her parents apologized profusely but they were helpless too.
I have had crushes. None of them were serious. There was this girl in my high school tuition whose phone no I managed to find out. Then the prettiest girl in college whom everybody loved, who talked to me once. Then the girl from my city who was at my university in USA who made me feel at home when I visited her place. I had ignored them once! I crossed their paths. But Anjali was my wife. I could not ignore her.
I decided to quit my job. I went home. No one back home knew I was returning. I wanted to surprise her. I dropped off my bags at my place and went to the college she was teaching. The gate keeper would not let me in.So I had to wait outside for the classes to get over.
She walked out alone, struggling to carry her bag, tired, with slow steps. She was walking towards the bus stop. I silently followed her and went behind her and whispered, "Do you mind if I carry your bag?" She was startled and turned to face me. Her eyes lit up. I was not sure if I could hug her. I was smiling and she had a 100 questions written all over her face. "I want to spend a week with you in this city. Show me the things that you could not miss"
That one week went in a jiffy. She was treated a kid at home with all the comforts. That explained her behaviour. Coffee was brought to her in the morning. Even her dress was laid out for her. She would have breakfast and leave. The bus journey was an hour. She would sit near the window with a
book. Then once in the college she would teach her classes and come out tired in the evening. She would stand in the crowded bus carrying her bag which would look heavy. Then she would alight, go home, have a snack and would head out to a friend’s place. Some times she’d stay home watching TV or listening to music. When her dad returned she would join him and they’d have dinner. Then her mom would tuck her in bed. Weekends were not much different. She would sleep late, wake up for breakfast and lie down talking on the phone. Then she would visit the temple in the evening and would have her singing lessons. Then she would eat out and would head home late.That was her life. It was something every human being wanted – simple, content and happy. Of course to her I was a villain. I told her that I understood her. I wanted to know if it was ok if she stayed in the same city but away from her parents. Her only condition was that I should not stay at my parent’s place to which I agreed.
So we moved into a small apartment. She knew nothing. She had to be taught everything. She learnt. It was hard to make her understand that she had duties and she had a husband. Coffee had to be brought to her in the morning. She made the rules and broke them. She did not care for me.
Sometimes she would not return home but go to her parents’ place without informing me. I would have had to go bring her back. Slowly she started realizing about married life. She would wake up before me, try to cook, agree for a movie, visit my friend’s place, invite me to her college, let me dress her up, dance in front of me, teach me Chemistry, talk about her crushes, play cricket with me, make me cry for a change. She was growing mature day by day. One day she apologized for the whole thing. I brushed it aside. Finally I had her the way I wanted. Today I am happy and content with my life. She is still there crying to get her things done. I keep reminding her how she had threatened to call the police. She laughs it away. Some times I wonder how life would have been if I had not returned. Then again some things are left as they are."

One last quote:

"Have you ever been in love?
Horrible isn’t it?
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.
You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armor  so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
I HATE LOVE"

Starting this post positively and ending this negatively… just the way Life taught me to do… and just going by my gut feeling. I did love her and I continue to love her… And someone very close to me told me that the best part of being in Love is letting go for the sake of the happiness of the person whom you love. I’ve been there, done that… and now, am chilling in life… accepting things the way they come (if I like them) and also, staying adamant and selfish that I will not change. This is MY LIFE and I will not let go of it!

"To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt."

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all."

I live by the last statement! Right or wrong.. I do not care!!!